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was i working through the pain

Updated: Dec 31, 2021

Returning to work in May 2016, was so refreshing to say the least. I felt a sense of purpose and meaningfulness. I knew being at work would redefine how I felt and looked at myself. I was still struggling with breathing, I would walk from my office to my clinic rooms and have to sit and catch my breath. I would breathe so hard that it was noticeable that something was wrong with me. This was definitely new for me, and I still refused to wear supplemental oxygen. I would keep water in my white coat pocket and use it anytime I felt the urge that a cough was coming while meeting with patients.

Sometimes patients would question my distress if they noticed it or gained the courage to do so, and I would just say I am dealing with a breathing issue. I would say it so casually it would divert the attention back to their visit. I guess they figured because I was a provider I knew what measures to take to feel better. So they typically wouldn’t prolong the conversation about me.

Suffering through this would cause so much emotional pain. It was hard to be a caregiver for someone else when your health issues were so much more life threatening. I struggled with empathy for others while caring for them, because I could only think of how worse my situation was, while listening to them complain about their small minute health concerns. My heart became cold while working. I became angry and jealous, because I would see my patients complain about things that I wish I had, instead of what I did have. I would see these patients overweight, with drinking, smoking, drug habits, risky sexual behaviors, and just bad living habits and yet they were essentially healthier than me.

At this point I realized that I was no longer in Denial, I was now Angry. I needed a release, a wake up call, I needed to re-center and align myself with the goodness that was within me. Something had to change because there was no good energy flowing through me at all.

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